An Application for Employment

These people could be my new bosses. I would like this to be my formal application for employment for the Communication Director's position for Contra Costa County.

This is a very touchy letter to write. If I am not honest about my qualifications and the needs of the board and the county, what good will I be standing in front of the reporters and taxpayers firing questions at me? So, sit back and read this and then think about the merits it has, and that I have, for the position.

Simply stated, my experience with communications began at a very early age. I was 13 months old. My first words, according to my scrap book were "mmm, ahhh." From that day on I have accumulated experience through numerous one on one situations, where I had to either ask or answer a question, comment on a statement, or make an observation. I know that these qualifications do not entitle me to stand at the podium in front of the office of some larger than life, respected statesman or professional politician, but I can assure all of you making the decision on this position, Supes DeSaulnier, Glover, Gioia, Uilkema,and Piepho, and of course, County Administrator John Sweeten, that my loyalty to your cause will be exemplary. My ability to handle touchy situations , stellar. Plus, I can work on your level of incompetence. I know that had to sting a little, but we must be honest with each other if we are to have a happy, healthy, and successful relationship. Remember, whatever goes on behind closed doors stays here. I am aware of that.

Basically, you are looking for a spin doctor that can make the most out of really bad situations. Let's face it, you guys have really screwed up the county, and now you need someone to stand in front of the press and the public and take the heat, dodge the arrows, and come up with some bullshit answer to reasonable questions. You need confusion. I can do that. I read a lot of newspapers and know what the public wants to hear.

Realistically speaking, and don't worry, that will not enter the conversation after this letter, you need someone who has the things that Joe DiMaggio used to catch in the outfield. None of you guys have them, so you need me. If anyone on the board, had the balls, the situation at the county level never would never have gotten to this point. Now, Mr. Sweeten, with all due respect, and remember I can still be your puppet even if I do not see eye-to-eye with you, you have fouled up big time. But, I know that you need to stay here for a few more years because of the big pension and buy-outs and perks, so you want to do everything you can to get the board in line without communication blunders. Don't worry, I will kiss your butt better than anyone if you give me this position. I can use the money and because of that I will keep my mouth shut on whatever happens that nobody wants the public to know about.

I will confess, however, I am a bit concerned about the news media picking up the story that Supervisor DeSaulnier is using this position to mold a campaign spokesperson for his upcoming Assembly run for Joe Canciamilla's seat. I know how to cover that, ( and if the pay was as good, with all the perks and stuff), I certainly would entertain going half-way to Sacramento with you, Mark. And, if you should get closer than Placerville, I would consider the longer journey. As we all know, once my immediate boss, if I am hired, (kiss,kiss,kiss,) is replaced with someone who can speak in public, I will need a job, because the position will be terminated as the new county administrator would be open to the press. But, I understand that.

I certainly hope that we can come to terms with this new position. I am available immediately and would like you to contact me at your earliest convenience. I look forward to protecting you and to coming up with the answer to all of the questions. Which by the way, were my first words spoken, mmmm, ahhhh.

Sincerely submitted,

Harrison Melbourne